I have a new question to ask myself when deciding if I want to do a particular activity. "Will it contribute to becoming the person that I want to be?"
I plan to spend some time this week studying about the fruit of the Spirit from Galatians 5. I foolishly agreed to do Sabbath School Superintendant's remarks this Sabbath & I've decided that's the topic I want to discuss. I really really don't do well up front. I talk fast, forget to breath & sometimes come close to fainting. I've been criticized for, get this, my prayer up front (it was too long, because I mentioned all the prayer requests), so you can imagine how anxious I am to pray up front. Last Sabbath the wife of the person who criticized me read something about ignoring destructive criticism.
I guess it really isn't about me, is it? At least it shouldn't be. I really think that if I was truly filled with the Holy Spirit, I wouldn't have any room to worry about what other people thought about me. The more I compare myself to the person I want to be, the more unhappy I am. My sense of self-worth goes down the toilet & I can't be a blessing to others because I'm caught up in my own depression & feelings of worthlessness. I'm beginning to see that this is a trap of the devil & the only way to beat him is to change my focus & ask for more of the Holy Spirit in my life.
I guess what's more important than what I want to be is what does God want me to be? I wish I were the kind of wife who made her own clothes, had a meal schedule planned out at the beginning of the month, kept all her papers in order, had a tidy house AND garage, so that I could keep my car in it. I wish I were a girl who exercised at least 30 minutes every day & did weight training. I wish I were the kind of person who was debt free & wrote letters to & gave gifts to people I loved & supported the ministry & went on mission trips or was a full-time missionary. I wish I were the kind of wife that always had the house clean & ready for company. I wish I never wasted any time but was always productive, because I often tie my self-worth to how much I've accomplished in a day, week, month or year. I wish I was the kind of person that wrote letters to the kids I sponsor in India. I wish I were the kind of person that weeded my tiny little yard & had it manicured nicely, complete with a small garden in the summer. I wish I was more well read & could carry on more intelligent conversations. I wish I never left the house before having my devotions. I wish...I liked me.
I could swear there was a time when I did & it was the times when more of the above descriptions fit me. It's time to shift my focus off of me & toward having more of the Holy Spirit. Then I'd only have to worry about 1 thing: Am I doing what He wants me to be doing? Then nothing else will really matter. The love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness gentleness & self-control will come naturally then & maybe even spread to others.
I have a lot of the same feelings of comparison to an ideal image I have of who I should be. It can become overwhelming at times. Recently, I've tried to focus on one aspect of my life that I'd like to change, and begin working towards that. Later, I can work on something else.
Sometimes I have to make myself realize that some aspects of my ideal self are not things that I can improve on because of my particular gifts and skills. This type of realization can be depressing for me, and make me feel less worthy.
Thankfully God loves me, and He loves you no matter where we happen to be in our lives. He also wants us to be happy, so asking for His help to achieve goals is a great idea. Especially since, if a particular ideal or goal is not in ones best interest, a closer relationship with Him will help one to discern His will, realize it's better to not have that goal, and be at peace about it.
Now in theory, this sounds all well and good. For me though, it's hard to put into practice. I know I don't spend enough time seeking guidance from Him regarding who He wants me to be, and I feel bad about it. And when I remember, I talk to Him about it and promise to do better... Maybe you see where this is going.
Anyway, I feel that I'm rambling and going off in several tangents, but I just wanted to remind you that you're not alone in your wishes and fears and hopes. And there is also no reason to put yourself down for not being who you think you should be. That is destructive and of the devil. Be still and know He is God, and remember that He meets you where ever you are.
Now if I could remember that more often :)
I second your post. Not that any of us are beyond needing to get better but God did make us each with talents, things we enjoy and things we don't enjoy. He likes diversity otherwise we would all be the "perfect" person you describe and we'd like it, always.ReplyDelete
Coming to school I've learned to appreciate that there are so many different people with different skills. I was pretty down on myself at Parelli's cause I wasn't as good at somethings as some of my co-workers but in the end God made me who I am to do what I can do and He made them who they are to do their stuff. And it is beautiful when you get to step back and observe it working together. Somehow at school it is so obvious when it wasn't before.
Anyway, good thoughts, I appreciate the post. Love you girly.